chaos_eyes's Xanga

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Sun, 23 Jan 2005 07:44:40 GMT

Today was one of those days where everything went so oddly I find myself still wondering if it actually happened. So I went over to Mike's house today a few hours earlier than usual, and dad was there. From what I've heard, his dad is an oddball. I just sat in the sofa armchair occupying space, watching Troy, and reading the credits part of a Perfect Circle's "eMotive" new album in order to past time. I shook his hand. I really had no idea what to do, or say, so I said nothing. Finally he left, and we had the last little bit to ourselves. We just snuggled... and then some of my bad experiences came to mind and I started to cry... which I would never do in front of anyone else. If it was anyone else, I'd rather crawl into a hole and die then cry in front of them. He has a way with comforting me when he knows I need it.

Then I came back, and I had to account for being gone for almost two hours, and not telling them where I went. Perhaps they did deserve more of an answer than I gave them.... but the past said otherwise to me.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Fri, 21 Jan 2005 20:58:38 GMT

I yoinked this from Carl.

Name: Yvonne
Age: 16
Age you feel: ageless
One word to describe you: different
One word to describe how you look: difficult-to-process through an instant-ethnic-analysis-scan. Oh woops, that wasn't one word. *adds dashes*
What are your guilty pleasures?: I don't do guilt.

What's the best way to make a smore?: I don't eat those... bah I can just pick out all the unhealthiness in those
Are you a team player?: depends on the people, usually not.
What do you believe in? Alot of things, transcendence, that there is a cause that makes suffering here worthwhile, the power of real love, and the power of imagination.

Have you ever been in love?: yes
Can one love a person as just a friend if there is a potential for one to love that same person as more? is this implying going beyond a 'normal' friendship, or into romantic love? I don't think romantic love is always necessary...
Are you, like, bi?: I suppose so, I'm leaning towards being heterosexual though.
If not are you gay?: not exactly..
If not, then you're straight, right?: not exactly.
Who gives you butterflies?: Mike, cause he's just so gorgeous. <3
Do you believe in totally platonic friendship with a member of the preferred sex(es)?: yes (males, agree with me here..).
Actually, sex is generally preferred, isn't it?: not always
Who's your big secret crush?: no secret there
Do you believe in True love?: most definately
Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other/associate/sex slave/pig dressed up in a clown suit right now?: yes
Do you consider premarital sex...evil?: no
Do you consider premarital sex...necessary?: no
Quote?:"Eternity lies ahead of us, and behind. Have you drunk your fill?"
-Lady Deirdre Skye; "Conversations with Planet, Epilogue" (from the Alpha Centauri pc game)
Advice?: Pain is only so deep, it's not an ultimate state. Find the 'place' where you are beyond pain and you will be free...
Advice for someone you don't like?: If you don't go beyond your pettiness then you will be the one to suffer.
Okay, okay, all your favorite movies?: Don't watch alot of movies.
Activity to do on a rainy day?: sit by my window and contemplate
Activity to do with other people?: Other people?
Activity to do anytime?: be outside in nature

Board game?: I can't even remember the last time I played one..
Someone on t.v. who bugs you to teeth gritting: I don't really watch tv
favorite soup: minestrone
favorite steak: none
favorite meat: I don't like meat very much, I'm heavily leaning towards vegetarianism.
favorite veggie: cauliflower
favorite fruit: berries
birthday: 10/13
birthplace: Saudi Arabia (yes, I'm serious.)
eye color: Brown
height: 5"4
ethnicity: demi Cantonese (Chinese), demi mixed white
hair style: left down or tied up
tattoos: none
piercings: none
are you a good student?: that's questionable
do you believe in reincarnation?: definately
do you believe in astrology?: to be honest I'm not that interested in it, but there's probably some accuracy in it somewhere.
what's your sign and does it fit you?: Libra, and somewhat.
wheels: lacking wheels
do you have a deep dark secret no one knows except you?: yes, but if you know me well enough, you probably already know it. I'm not ashamed of it anymore, what has happened has already happened, I'm not going to let it chain me down in the future.
fave pair of underwear: it's orange, and has stripes of orange velevety material and see-through orange fabric
movie you saw next to last: I don't remember
book you read last: The enlightened eater
fave pair of jeans: just a regular pair of jeans, I guess
fave jacket/coat: none
fave article of clothing: I have a shirt that says 'the doors', and it makes me happy.
fave place to buy clothes: random places, sometimes overseas
fave model: none, it pisses me off that models makes people out of the 90 something percent who don't look like them feel like freaks of nature.
dream job: something creative, where I can express myself..
have you ever lost someone you loved?: yes, but not in this life...
what are you wearing right now?: light blue satin pyjamas, turquoise satin robe
when do you get up in the morning?: 10:00 AM
who do you talk to the most online?: a select few
what sites do you visit most online?: deviant art
are you part of any online communities?: formerly
Fav. Font: arial
what do you like most about your body - I think I have nice hands, and a nice nose, neck, and.. everything else I'm changing my mind about constantly >.<
what do you like least about your body - I've told myself I'm not going to do this to myself anymore...
` how many fillings do you have - a few
` do you think you're good looking - sometimes yes, sometimes no
` do other people tell you that you're good looking - yes
` do you look like any celebrities - I don't think so
` do you have a crush, boyfriend or girlfriend - yes
` what is their name - Mike
` do you wear a watch - no.
` how many coats and jackets do you own - a few, the exact number I don't know because I never wear most of them
` favourite pants/skirt colour - black
` most expensive item of clothing - I don't know really.
` what kind of shoes do you wear - non-famous shoe brands. those corporate whores don't need anymore money.
` describe your style in one word - basic and a bit sporty, I suppose
` do your friends 'know you' - partially. A few know me a bit better than that.
` what do they tend to be like - depends on the people
` are there traits in you that are universally liked - I yet to find that out from "the average" person
` how many people do you tell everything to - no one, but Mike hears the most.
` who is your favourite band ever - I'm not sure even >.<
most listened to bands/singers/etc - I've been listening to a lot of Tool's older songs lately.
` do you find any musicians good looking - um, no comment. I can already see people looking strangely at me because I have "a werid sense of hot" o.O
` can you play an instrument - a few, but not particularly well
` type of music you listen to the most - depends
` type never listened to - I have to agree with Carl, no christian or gospel.
` favourite book - not sure
` do you detest religion - most of them.
` if you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant - depends
` if you were in a hostage situation and you were given a choice, to either praise the demon they follow or die, what would you choose - I'd die, and then I'd reincarnate again and kick their filthy asses.
` what is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands - meh. their choice
` do you detest homosexuality - not at all
` do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children - not at all
` do you own any plaid clothing - no
` do you own converse shoes - no
` do you own old school nikes - no
` do you wear tight pants - not really
` is there more than one zipper in your pants - no
` do you know what a squatter flap is - no
` do you own braces - no
` are braces worn anywhere besides the mouth - no
` do you have short, shaggy hair - no, mines sort of long
` does your hairstyle exeed a heigh of 3 inches - no
` would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon - no
` do you think mohawks are 'neat' - not really.
` is your hair black or red - no
` do you have a favourite brand of hair dye - I don't want those chemicals on my head
` do you own a bandana - no
` do you wear plugs in your ears - no
` have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute - yes .......
` do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them - no
` do you own one or more articles of clothing from dogpile, lip service or tiger of london - no
` do you enjoy leopard print - not the real fur...
` are you disgruntled (having a general hate for everything) - everything, no. at what this world has become, yes.
` does the american flag anger you - yes, when it's shoved in my face
` do you dislike 'preps' - meh.
` do you dislike hot topic - I don't care really
` do you smoke cigarettes - no. don't smoke in front of me, ever.
` do you smoke cloves - no
` are you vegan/vegetarian - getting there
` do you think meat is murder - no, but the way in which humans obtain it is absolutely disgusting.
` do your night time activites usually involve drunken underage vomiting - I don' t drink, nor do I plan to
` have you ever slept in an alley or park - I was going to once...
` do you wash your hair less than once a week - no
` have you ever gone a week without a shower - no
` have you ever been avoided due to your odor - not that I know of..
` what do you prefer, a sunny day or rainy day - rainy
` do you consider yourself lucky - yes, but maybe in an unexpected way.
` do you feel pity for the people who commit suicide - the beauty of freewill... no.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Sun, 15 Aug 2004 00:51:33 GMT

hmmm... my counter finally went normal again.

For anyone who doesn't know yet, I'm not going to be here for a month, I'm leaving early tommorrow morning to go to Hong Kong. So if I don't reply to any emails/messages, that means I don't have internet access where I'm at. Hope to talk to you all when I get back.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 20:29:03 GMT

I feel horrible right now. I hope something is resolved from all our struggles...

I do love him. You can't just instantly unlove someone. Honestly though, I don't think he is ready for where I want to go with our communication. I don't feel I can express myself with him, so I keep waiting, holding it in. So I put my own feelings aside for him.

It seems too much to ask for someone's undivided attention, and it would seem at times that I'm not paying attention. I would think that by now he would know what I really dislike/ am really sensitive too... I would think it would be obvious by now... I feel like I'm not worth so much to him after all..

I imagine from the outside I appear to be a vulnerable, over-sensitive dumbshit, oblivious to the fact that I keep getting into situations where I end up hurt. I know exactly what I'm doing.

I guess I care too much...

I will still stay though, I'll manage emotionally somehow... it would be a shame if I gave up this much already and it ended this pathetically.

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 21:03:11 GMT

Is something wrong with my counter or what? shouldn't it be 16-- instead of 6016--? I remember when I only had 300 something - what happened?

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 03:01:09 GMT

odd though that one retangular section of the photo of the middle right side of the photo is a bit lighter than the rest. hmmm....

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mon, 09 Aug 2004 02:54:31 GMT

I changed my display pic. I took that pic around december, (using ONLY my scanner) and recently I discovered it existed on my computer well, today. I doodled on the 3rd eye in photostudio 2000.

By the way for anyone who doesn't know, the link to my gallery is http://khan-tengri.deviantart.com/

if you have a deviant art account, please leave comments

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 05:42:39 GMT

You’re an empty shell of insecurity

blanketed by faulty agression

And shallow fleeting emotions

Desperately sucking your aura back into yourself

To help hide the gaps and the leaks

Maybe a little bit a pretentious motion

Will force that brain of yours to move just a little

Just enough so that your fragile shell of

Rigid resistance to change - won’t break

your face is everywhere, tacked onto

magazines and the dark chambers of our minds

Almost become a metaphor

Of the monotonous sameness many aspire to be

(you're so mechanically beautiful

yet so unremarkable at the same time.)

and you're slipping out of my mind already..

I’m starting to find

This symmetry boring

Symmetry - just like everything else

Loses its novelty eventually..

Friday, July 30, 2004

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 06:17:59 GMT

well, this is pretty close to my typical writing style. enjoy

Seems that once again

I’m chasing after visions of once was

Praying that its perfect sameness

Would not turn to entropy and destroy my perfect dream

But your perfect reasonableness

…I can’t ignore it – it’s so ingrained into me

Your perfectly caring front…

I know you’re trying for me – but sometimes you leave me feeling so:

Cold hearted and ugly.

Leaving me with my unfulfilled desires plaguing me

So beat me down and curse at me

Since we both feel I’m somehow faulty anyway..

So tell me I’m absurd and I’m freakishly wrong in some way.

Finding me some sort of justification for my reactions to you

Finding me some sort of justification for your reactions to me:

Might leave me feeling less cold hearted and ugly.

You’re so beautiful, it disturbs me.

Keep me away from you,

Before I turn you into me.

Keep me away from you before the ugliness of what I feel stains you

Keep me away from you before my desires choke hold you

(I really want to hurt someone,

But I don’t want it to be you..

Please don’t keep triggering me

But these desires need to go somewhere

So let me isolate myself where I can release these feelings in peace..)

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 02:45:20 GMT

here's a poem i wrote a while ago for English 10, over a year ago. It's a ballad, that's why it's extremely long and has to rhyme in a lot of places >.<. I think it was before I was awake... interesting thoughts I think

The 'immorality' of 'so-called-morality' (I just coined this title right now )

The day he disappeared, everyone was shocked

Couldn’t see him under the degenerate rot

He played his life as a bad joke and lost

Damned to be nothing, he poisoned the criminal cliches that he fought

His body is lost, but his mind has been shot

As he lies here indifferently bleeding

Around his body – the parasites are feeding

As he lies here alone, in the dark, by himself

People pretend they care, for the credit of humankind.

Those biased judges see themselves as saviors for the blind

To save us from the callous, who stain the pure with a bleeding mind

Drowning in his own emotional blood

He wishes he could remember how to feel alive

If only someone could reach out their hand, and offer him another try

But the world leeched away all his strength and gave it away

To the rich who have it, and couldn’t possibly need it.

They left him alone to fend for himself

Hating everyone so much for their ignorance

Hating them for never been offered another try

All that is left in his mind is mindless resistance

To resist the mindless numb that has murdered him once

Murdered him twice

Those good moral people sit in their castles

As the dead criminal lives under the shadows

Oblivious to his pain and those like him under their sympathy

Shaking their heads with righteous dignity

Of never having made any errors, of never being shamed

Living their perfect life, smiling at their gains

Who can look down at the tortured and not feel insane

Who would expect him not to care

Who would expect him to dare

To try to defy his own shame

And reach out and redefine everything they’ve ever claimed

All this he thinks as his body is lost somewhere

As his soul wanders aimlessly to nowhere

While people hear what happened on the news

And pretend to be disturbed while they reply

Only being glad that it wasn’t them who died

"It serves them right, it’s all their fault"

"Well, at least we have rid the world of another criminal."